Casual Encounters with Crazy

I'm a man posing as a woman seeking men on craigslist. It's the ongoing battle between weirding them out and them weirding me out.

Oct 31

Humpaween

My CraigsList Post:

Spook Me Silly - w4m - 28 (Hollywood)

it’s about to be hump day AND halloween.  you know what that means?  its humpaween eve.  lets rip it up.  36-24-36.  cum in costume.

Response from “onen5is7”:

Nice one.  Looking to fuck a clown tonight?

My response:

what kind?

His response:

A scary perverted dominant clown walking the streets of Hollywood.  Something like that.

My response:

how did he become a clown?

His response:

Well, that’s a long sordid tale.  He was in the drunk tank one night and there was a clown passed out in the cell with him.  But what the cops didn’t know was that he was wanted on a series of outstanding warrants so to avoid them finding out his true identity he stole the clown costume and the other man’s identity.  Then after he was released he was wandering the streets and through a series of mistaken identities was pulled into a kid’s birthday party.  He quickly learned that posing as a clown allowed him to gain access to little’s girls bedrooms where he could smell panties til his heart’s content.  And the rest is history.

My response:

ew, he liked smelling underpants?  what if there was poo in there?

His response:

He preferred the freshly washed ones.

My response:

then why did he need to smell little girls’ underwear?  why not just smell his own after doing laundry?

His response:

Because he was mentally unstable and a criminal who got off on the danger of it all.

My response:

the danger of smelling underwear?  what’s the danger?

His response:

Well if he got caught in the underwear drawer the cops would be called and they’d find out his true identity.

My response:

why wouldn’t he leave the house while they called the cops?

His response:

Well he would try to run, but clowns are very recognizable when the cops are chasing you.

My response:

why hasn’t he taken off his clown costume to blend in better?

His response:

Cause he doesn’t have any other clothes.  He switched them with the guy in the jail cell.

My response:

Wait, so he got his clown costume from his cellmate?  Why was he trading clothes with his cellmate?

His response:

So he could get out of jail with the passed out guy’s identity.  He wasn’t getting out any time soon.

My response:

How did he get out of jail?

His response:

The clown was just in overnight for being drunk in public and to sleep it off.  They let him out in the morning.

My response:

Then why did he need to assume his cellmate’s identity?

His response:

Because he wasn’t the clown at that point.  He was the career criminal in for the long haul.

My response:

But I thought he was arrested for being drunk in public.  How does that make him a career criminal?

His response:

That’s why he was arrested, but he had outstanding warrants for real crimes.  They didn’t know who he really was when they brought him in.

My response:

So he was arrested for being drunk, but was afraid the police would find out that he’s a sought-after serial clean underwear-sniffer, so he took the identity of his cellmate which happens to be a clown?

His response:

Pretty much.  Except he wasn’t a clean underwear sniffer at that point.  More of a serial killer waiting to find his true calling.

My response:

So being a serial killer wasn’t his true calling.  That was just his boring day job.  He finally found his fate when catching a whiff of his washed underpants?

His response:

Exactly.

My response:

So he had gone most of his life not washing his underpants, but when he did it on a lark, it shook him to his very core?

His response:

No, it didn’t work his underpants.  There weren’t frilly and naughty.  He had just never been around little girl’s pink rooms before he became a clown.  That’s what shook him to his core.

My response:

Why are girls underpants naughty?

His reponse:

Because they’re underage.

My response:

So girls shouldn’t have underwear when they’re underage?

His response:

He’d never had access to them before.  It was all new to him.  The forbidden fruit.

Who are you??

My response:

Oh I’m sorry, I promised my agent a draft of my new serial killer thriller tomorrow and I’ve got nothing.  Thanks for talking it out with me!  I’ll take it from here.

His response:

I look forward to the royalties.

Scorecard:

Me:14, Onen/Royalties: 0


Oct 24

Serious Squirt

My CraigsList Post:

long day - w4m - 25 (santa monica)

had a long day. now i need a long… ;) 36-24-36 reply if you want to know more.

Response from “Mike[numbers removed]@aol.com”:

hi

lets meet

My response:

short and to the point.  loves it, needs it, fucks it.  so you like cobras?

His response:

do you have photos?

My response:

DO YOU LIKE COBRAS?????

His response:

what are cobras?

My response:

hiss hiss ;)

His response:

what exactly do you mean?

My response:

i’m pretending to be a cobra ;)

His response:

oh ok so do you have photos?

My response:

oh yeah.  feast your eyes on this:

His response:

Got a real one of yourself

My response:

Why do you want a pic of me?

His response:

Ok Have Fun

Scorecard:

Me: 13, Mike: 0


Oct 18

Your Mom Goes on CraigsList

My CraigsList Post:

let’s get wet - w4m - 24 (hollywood)

had a long week.  looking for someone to help me unwind.  36-24-36.

Response from “Mike [Last Name Removed”:

I’m sure you’re getting 10000000 emails, but im 25.. 7 inchs.. clean.. pics?

My response:

Mike.  This is your mom.  Just… no.

His response:

why no?

My response:

You’re right, let’s try it.  It’s not like I haven’t snuck a peek at your goods while you were asleep as a teenager.  I’ll meet you at your apartment?

His response:

I live in a condo in hollywood.  what’s your deal?

My response:

Mike, this is your father.  Sorry about your Mom, she’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard, to the point where she’s literally hitting jars of sauce.

Anyway, wanna fuck?

His response:

my mom died when i was 3, and don’t know my dad but thanks for the laughs.

My response:

Mike, this the ghost of your mother.  I can’t believe you want to have sex with me.  Get a girlfriend.

Anyway, wanna ghost fuck?

His response:

Nothing.  I guess you can’t find love in the afterlife.  ”Ghost” was a lie.

Scorecard:

Me: 12, Mike: 0


Oct 16

Oh Hell Naw

My CraigsList Post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun.  36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from “Andres”:
I’m ready if you are?
[As usual, I blurred most of the photo, but left a little of his “glisten”]
My response:
why you so slimey? dry that nigga off and we’ll talk.

His response:
LOL! It’s dry!

His response after I didn’t respond for a while:
Hello.

My response:
hello your damn self. 
good to hear you dried it.  now paint it red.  obviously.

His response:
Wow!  What a nice person you are.

My response:
you being sarcastic?  well here’s sarcasm: i’m SO GLAD you’re not a creeper that stalks craigslist ten minutes before 3am.  i’m SO IMPRESSED that you look for pleasure on the same site you can find a blender for five bucks.  and i’m SO WET.  i wasn’t being sarcastic, i’m just really wet.
PEACE NIECE.
p.s.: if you are my niece Deb, come home babe.  i miss you.  or whatever.

His response:
Wow, that made sense.  Good news!  You could start your own think tank!

My response:
oh my god, that is you Deb.  only you get on your high horse and reference think tanks.  i can’t believe you stole my crisco.  fuck off skank, you can rot in delaware for all i care.

His response:
Nothing.  I knew I’d find her.

Scorecard:
Me: 11, Andres: 0

What is this, 2001?

My CraigsList Post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun.  36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from David [Last Name Removed]:

And I want to give it to you…. Whatever your man will not do ill handles…

So so Fresh and so clean…

My response:

fuck you and your outkast references.

stank you very much, e-mail back soon!

His response:

Nothing?

Scorecard:

Me: 10, David: 0


I Love Disney!

My CraigsList post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun.  36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from “[First Name Removed] Nice”:

Hey sweetie, i saw you’re ad on craigslist and i am really interested in you’re post. Well a little bit about me is i am a 22 year old college student. i stand about 6’1ft tall i weigh 175 i have dark hair and hazel green eye’s. i am in great shape not to brag. i do play sports for my school so i am in decent shape. I’m just here looking for some hot no strings attached fun with another sexy young female. I am a very down to earth guy very funny loving and open minded as well, i definitley know how to hold a conversation and just have fun with who ever i’m around well knowing a little bit about me hopefully i could get to know a little bit about you. (:

p.s. my stats are 7.5 inches long, i am wide and also thick as you can see and i definitley know how to please a woman.

My response:

here’s my sitch:

i need strings attached.  i don’t mean a relationship, i mean literally strings attached to my arms and legs and you pretend to be my Gepetto.  i love Aladdin, in case you can’t tell.  that rat could cook!

this isn’t sexual, but you can masturbate after if you must.  not my house.  your car is fine.

His response:

Nothing.  What’s wrong with Aladdin?  He was good in “Brave”.

Scorecard:

Me: 9, Nice: 0


Feb 15

I Love Puppies!

My CraigsList post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun. 36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

 Response from “Ryan [Last Name Removed]”:

I would love to have some fun tonight.  I am an attractive 32/M with a hotel room.

what are you looking to do?

My reply:

so i think it’s hot when someone shaves my bush while making yummy noises.  how does that sound?

His reply:

sounds yummy.  bring your razor and cream, and I will get the bath ready for you.
 
His reply after I didn’t respond for thirty minutes (other suitors):

guess i lost yah!
                 
My reply:
whoops, sorry ryan.  i’m still in, just had to tuck in my eight puppies before sleep.  oh, speaking of which, after shaving my chubby labes, would you mind taking pictures of me while i nurse the pups?  they’ll be asleep, don’t worry, i put ambien in their food.  this is necessary for the facebook albums.
               
in?
               
His reply:
curious, how are you going to nurse them? :)
             
Either way this sounds kinky and I am in, as long as pictures me don’t get on facebook :)
              
Do you have a pic?
         
My reply:
i won’t really nurse them idiot.  i’m just going to slap my titties together mashing up their puppy heads.
               
and sorry, you need to be in at least twelve pictures.  those dog tails ain’t gonna teabag themselves!
                    
His reply:

lol, sorry, this is cl and are plenty of freaks.  I am glad to hear you are not one.  I can help you feed this if you have another bottle.  It is cute that you are taking care of them ;)
                
My reply:

oh no, they all suffocated.  guess I need to drop some lbs huh?  they’re just so cute IGOTTASITONEM.
           
anyway, gotta mourn.  peace niece.
       
but seriously, is this my niece?
        
His reply:
Nothing.  I’ll find her one day…
          
Scorecard:
Me: 8, Ryan: 0

Feb 10

Eyes Bigger Than Stomach

My CraigsList post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun. 36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from “Daniel [Last Name Removed]”:

hello, 26m in west Los Angeles.  like the ad and am very interested.  I’m 5’11 180 med built Spanish and Italian.

My reply:

ah yeah.  those are my favorite kinds of food.  good to see you’re hungry for a gourmet dinner at my apartment.  javier will cook the food and my brother-in-law nick will play violin.  sound good?

His reply:

huh

My reply:

what?  you don’t like food?  what do you think “num num num” meant?  i’m hungry fool!

then we’ll masturbate watching tivo’d guy fieri.

in?

His reply:

sounds good to me.  where you located at?

My reply:

nope

Scorecard:

Me: 7, Daniel: 1


Feb 7

Empty Promise

My CraigsList post:

num num num - w4m - 28 (Long Beach)

just moved to la and am looking for some fun. 36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from “Ryan L”:

hey where did you move to LA from?  Did you find your fun tonight?  ;) I’m in LB 6’2” and attached is my pic.

My reply:

fuck you, gimme dat puppy.

His reply:

Ummm ok haha

My reply:

let’s cut to the chase since it seems like you’re down.  give me your address and i’ll send you a kennel.  then put the puppy in and mail it to my house. easy piesyyys.

His reply:

Do you have any pictures?

My reply:

fine, you don’t want to give me that puppy?  well you’re a liar, ryan.  a liar and i hate you.

His reply:

What a weirdo.

Scorecard:

Me: 7, Ryan: 0


Jan 30

Bad Provider

My CraigsList post:

just moved to LA and am looking for some fun.  36-24-36.  i need it tonight.

Response from “Jack [Last Name Removed]” :

23 Brotish male British accent 6 foot tall slim build in shape big thick uncut cock can go for hours

My Response:

good to hear you’re Brotish.

but i’m so sorry.  i should have been more specific in my post.  i hate big dicks.  would you be willing to adjust for me?

His response:

What u looking for I will provide it

-Jack

My response:

perfect.

first off, don’t get hard.  that’s a turn off for me.  i like em low and rubbery like i’m playing with something that’s low and rubbery.  then, i want you to dip your balls in my cat’s kitty litter and insert them into my anus.  it’s cool, i’ve done this before, just make sure Tigger is asleep before you dip your balls in his bed.  he sleeps in kitty litter, i don’t get it, he tries nursing his turds sometimes, whatevs.

you in?

His response:

lol not for me

My response:

what happened [last name removed]?  you worried about Tigger waking up?  don’t worry, he passed eight weeks ago.  hahahahahah jk.  it was four days ago.  now dip them balls into some cactus cooler and let’s CHILL.

His response:

Lol no you’re ok thanks

-Jack [Thanks for reminding me, Jack…?]

Scorecard:

Me: 6, Jack: 0


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